Opinions are a funny thing. Everyone has one, just like assholes, so it's hard to know which one to listen to, right?
I've grown up as a people pleaser. I like to make people happy and avoid confrontation at ALL costs! Even at the cost of my own wants or happiness because here's the thing, I was a yes lady. Even if I didn't have the time, the money, or the energy, I always found a way to make it happen. I thought it was my greatest strength to be able to please everyone because it meant everyone around me was always happy... except me.
Don't be a silent pin cushion and let everyone walk all over you. Realise that if you're doing something for someone else but you don't want to, then you're sacrificing your own peace of mind for the hope that that person will stick by you and love you forever...
Sorry girl but that's never going to happen!
So, instead, I learnt to say the hardest word in the English dictionary!!!
NO!
Ahhhh.
No terrified me because I knew that with it came the potential to let someone down, and I didn't think I was ready for that... but I was, and deep down we all are, so don't be afraid. Rip off that bandaid and start putting yourself first.
Ok, so how the hell do I start?
These 2 simple steps are all you need to foster a more stable relationship with yourself and the people around you.
Firstly, know your purpose. Eventually, I realised that if I have a purpose for why I'm doing something, then someone's criticism of that thing shouldn't matter to me, because, well, I'm doing it for me - for my health, my happiness, my peace of mind, or simply because I just want to - do I really need a reason to do something I'm interested in? No!
Once you learn not to let someone's opinion affect you, instead of feeling rejected, sad, angry etc. by their opinion, you become neutral, or closer to it. It becomes merely a statement you listen to and then continue on with your everyday life - I call it bliss!
Ok, now I'm making it sound a little too easy. It's tough, I completely get that, but if you continue checking in with yourself and analysing a situation to show yourself that you did what was right for you, then that's all you can wish for. Over time, what used to bother you will become a walk in the park! Trust me.
The second thing you need is radical self-love! I realised that once you have your purpose, you also need self-belief, self-confidence and self-esteem. You need to believe in yourself that following your purpose no matter what is important, and the right people will stick by you.
So, buckle up because these steps are going to make your life a much happier, more peaceful and enjoyable place.
1. So, what's your purpose?
In order to find your purpose behind a certain action/ behaviour you need to ask yourself these 6 key questions. If you can answer all 6, you'll be laughing because over time your emotions will get easier and easier to validate, as it is simply another habit that you need to master.
Ask yourself:
What did that person say that triggered me?
Why did that trigger me?
What action am I doing that triggered this person to say that?
Why am I doing that action, is it justified?
Do I want to stop doing that action?
If not, then I shouldn't give a sh*t about what they're saying!!!
Your purpose is: Why you're doing that action. This is key because it determines whether you want to continue doing it, and if you do this is where you need to validate yourself.
For example; If you're doing an action like not drinking while you have a concussion because it is protecting your head, then that action is justified and you can continue not drinking.
However, if this action is being judgemental toward someone else, then maybe it's good to listen to this person's opinion/advice and look inwards as to why you're judging other people.
It's key to realise that this framework is important. I'm not telling you to be an entitled prick and stop listening to other people and taking on their advice. That's just selfish and a little narcissistic. Instead, I'm providing you with a framework to systematically go through a situation and decide if you believe that you're doing the right thing, or if you believe you need to pull your head into line.
This framework is more for when you know you're doing the right thing but continue getting criticism for it anyway. This is for people who need to believe more in themselves when situations aren't going their way. It's giving you the confidence to believe that you are perfectly justified to keep heading down your lane if you choose to.
2. Now, you've got your purpose it's time to cultivate some self-love!
The first thing I did when I knew I needed to appreciate and love myself more, was I realised that self-love is an actual thing. It can sound a little spiritual and voodoo, which I know can deter people from following the path, however, self-love is for every single person on this planet! Think about it, we can only love other people by the amount of love we give ourselves. If we're cruel and mean to ourselves, then we find we might judge people more than we offer love to them. That's not how I want to live my life, and I hope it's not how you want to live yours.
You want to live your life with passion, excitement, spontaneity, risk, joy etc. and that can only truly foster once we start showing love towards ourselves - and ALL of ourselves, even the parts we may loathe the most. Recognising that this is a concept worth pursuing is the first step towards cultivating it, so the good news is, you're already on the path to more love.
Secondly, write a list of everything you like about yourself. Your personality, knowledge, physical appearance etc. read through it and realise that what this person said to you, and what emotion they triggered in you doesn't change anything about that list you wrote down. How they perceive you shouldn't change how you perceive yourself, and this is pretty special to recognise.
Understand that admiring these traits and placing them above someone else's opinion is pretty cool because, for the first time, you see that you're putting yourself first. This alerts your subconscious mind that you're now making yourself a priority and willing to take care of yourself. Woohoo!
Once you are willing to take care of yourself, then you are willing to believe in and back yourself. This means that any purpose you find good enough to pursue is worthy of your support, and no matter what anyone says to you, you've got your own back to validate why you're doing it. Thus, you're validating your own emotions!!! And everyone else can simply F off. Hallelujah, baby!
Lastly, it's important to note that change doesn't happen overnight. This evolution within you will take a while and it's important to stick with it, stick with yourself, and be kind to yourself. Try your hardest to constantly review this 2-step validation method to become the best version of yourself.